Dom/sub (short for dominant/submissive) is a consensual power-exchange dynamic where one partner takes the lead and the other willingly gives up control, all within agreed-upon limits. The "Dom" guides and directs; the "sub" follows and surrenders. It's built on trust, communication, and enthusiastic consent, not on real control or coercion. A healthy Dom/sub dynamic is one of the most intimate ways partners can play.
The essentials of a Dom/sub dynamic:
- Roles: the Dom leads, the sub follows, by mutual agreement.
- Negotiation: talk through wants, limits, and hard nos beforehand.
- Safewords: agree on a word that instantly pauses or stops play.
- Consent: ongoing and enthusiastic from everyone involved.
- Aftercare: reconnect and check in once the scene ends.
What is dom/sub play?
Are you ready to get your Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele on? Dim the lights, whip out that lacey lingerie set you’ve been meaning to wear and get ready for 50 shades of VUSH (is it getting hot in here?)!
Strap yourself in for our beginners guide to dominant and submissive play (a strap-on could be involved?! Who knows!). This type of play represents the second letter in the acronym BDSM (bondage & discipline, domination & submission, sadism & masochism) and is the practice of consensual power exchange between two willing partners. The dom/sub dynamic explores control, specific roles in a relationship, surrender, service, routine and hierarchy. The dominant typically leads the play while the submissive gives up control and is in the hands of their dominant. This type of play is a form of escapism into a fantasy world of sexual expression (let your hair down!).
Safety first
Before
It is essential to have a conversation before engaging in dom/sub play with a partner. This allows them to consider it without the pressure to say yes in the heat of the moment.
An example of how you could approach the topic of the dom/sub dynamic with your partner is;
“I've been curious about exploring dom/sub play together, and I was wondering how you feel about trying it with me?”
This allows your partner to share their honest thoughts, be prepared they may say “no, I’m not into it” and that is totally ok! If they are keen to try this type of BDSM, it’s a good idea to develop a plan about how you both individually define the roles of dominant and submissive. Start by researching this type of play online, get creative with a scene you could create together. It’s equally as important to discuss each other’s boundaries beforehand, for example; “I’m comfortable with service play as a submissive (being a slave) but I don’t want to be called names'' or “I always want to end the session with cuddling in aftercare to feel connected.” The dom/sub dynamic can be extremely erotic and add a bit of kink to the usual bedroom routine, however if you are new to the world of BDSM, it can be anxious territory so it’s important to establish limitations and expectations straight off the bat. Keep that open line of dialogue beforehand, during (super important) and even in aftercare.
During
As a sexologist, I recommend using the traffic light system, green is for keep going, orange suggests that you are hitting your threshold and red means stop. This is an effective tool for communicating your boundaries in the moment so that you and your partner have a safe, consensual, and most importantly pleasurable experience together.
After
Aftercare lays the foundation for dom/sub play (if there’s one thing you remember from this blog, let it be aftercare people!). It’s a chance to check in with your partner and reassure them that the kink scenario that just played out is not a reflection of real life. It’s the perfect time to look after one another (water anyone?), have a cuddle, or chat about what you enjoyed and/or didn’t enjoy.
How to get started
Off the back of a conversation you have had with your partner prior to getting your kink on, you will have established who will be the submissive and dominant. Think about the scene you will be playing out within the roles. What will you need to prepare? Will you be wearing something in particular for your role?
So. Many. Questions. Don’t worry we got you (did you think I was going to leave you in the dark with this? No way!). How about a little inspiration for you and your partner.
Here’s some kinky plots you could role play as dominant and submissive:
- Principal/Student
- Prison guard/prisoner
- Professional dominatrix/client
- Stripper/client
- Master/servant
- Doctor/patient
- Hypnotist/someone under hypnosis
- Wizard or witch/person under spell
- Pilot/passenger
- Mad scientist/human experiment
- Boss/employee
- Pet/owner
Here’s a couple of scene suggestions
- Use any of the above plots for this one. As a dom, you may take control of your submissive through forced orgasms, edging (pulling back/stopping an orgasm) or orgasm denial (not allowing the submissive to orgasm). Highly recommend using Luna, a remote controlled wearable vibrator for this.
- For the master/servant plot. Try this - dominant gets to sit on the lounge, while the submissive cleans the house in an outfit of the dominants choosing. If the submissive doesn’t obey the dominants rule, they are punished in some way (spanked?). If they do as they’re told, they get an orgasm. Perhaps with a vibrator of the dominants choosing (such a tease!).
- For the stripper/client plot. Try this - the dom could strip down in front of the sub and tell them, they can look but can’t touch whilst the dom continues to play with themselves.
- For the doctor/patient plot. Try temperature play - the dom could restrain the sub and then drip hot wax or massage oil over the subs body.
Finally, it’s meant to be pleasurable and fun! Get creative with it. Don’t push yourself to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. Communication is key. Baby steps bestie!
Read more on Stimulation:
Looking for more tips on how to level up your play in the bedroom? Check out our blog on ways to spice up your sex life, our guide to Foreplay as the Main Event or find out all you need to know about mutual masturbation.
Aftercare: the part that makes it all work
Aftercare is the time you spend reconnecting once a scene wraps up, and it's just as important as anything that happens during play. Power exchange can be emotionally and physically intense for both the Dom and the sub, so easing back down together helps everyone feel safe, grounded, and cared for. Skipping it can leave either partner feeling a little flat or disconnected, sometimes called a "drop."
There's no single right way to do it. Aftercare might look like cuddling under a blanket, sharing a glass of water and a snack, a warm shower, soft words of reassurance, or simply lying together in comfortable quiet. The Dom often takes the lead here too, but it goes both ways: checking in on how your partner is feeling is a two-way street.
Talk about your aftercare needs during your earlier negotiation so nobody is guessing in the moment. Ask each other what feels good, what helps you come back to yourself, and check in again the next day. That follow-up conversation is where trust really deepens.
Related reading
- Beginners Guide to Bondage
- Pegging Guide for Beginners: Everything You Need to Know
- Anal Training Step-by-Step: A Beginner's Progression Guide
- VUSH Pink Furry Handcuffs
- Shop Vibrators