Spontaneous Sexcapade at Bunnings
Driving home in an Uber after catching up with some friends, my partner and I decided to make a brief stop at Bunnings. We told the Uber driver that we had to do some urgent gardening. Skeptical, he gave us 5 minutes at Bunnings to run around and collect a series of items that could also suggest an impending kidnapping. Yes, we were horny and yes we thought it would be kinky to pick up some bondage materials to later use on eachother. We grabbed duck tape, a wooden paint stirrer (that looks like a paddle), a variety of rope and cable ties.
Now I must preface this with: we had never tried bondage before nor had we really discussed incorporating bondage into sex. It was a (very) out of the blue experience.
Once we got home, we started fooling around with the bondage materials. I began tying my partner to the bed using the rope. There was a lot of laughing, some uncertainty and some very poorly tied knots.
Now, the reason for sharing this story is to highlight what not to do and give you some guidance on dipping your toes into the wonderful world of bondage (in a safe and consensual manner).
What is bondage?
So what is bondage? It represents the first letter in the acronym BDSM (bondage & discipline, domination & submission, sadism & masochism) and is the practice of consensually tying, binding, or restraining someone. Normally one partner takes control, while the other is restrained or submissive. The allure of being tied up can be a very exciting adrenaline rush, being teased by your partner…not knowing what part of your body they are going to play with next (drool-worthy).
Safety first
It is essential to have a conversation before engaging in bondage with a partner. This allows them to consider it without the pressure to say yes in the heat of the moment.
An example of how you could approach the topic of bondage with your partner is;
“I've been curious about exploring bondage together, and I was wondering how you feel about trying it with me?”
This allows your partner to share their honest thoughts, be prepared they may say “no, I’m not into it” and that is totally ok! If they are keen to try bondage, it’s a good idea to develop a plan about how you will go about restraining one another (to avoid an experience like the one my partner and I had). It’s important to discuss each other’s boundaries beforehand, for example; “I’m comfortable with being tied up with a scarf, but tape is off limits'' or “you can tie up my feet together but I'd prefer my hands to remain free of restraint.” Bondage can be extremely erotic and add a bit of kink to the usual bedroom routine, however it can be dangerous so having an open line of dialogue beforehand and during decreases the likelihood of anything going sideways in the heat of the moment.
As a sexologist, I recommend using the traffic light system, green is for keep going, orange suggests that you are hitting your threshold and red means stop. This is an effective tool for communicating your boundaries in the moment so that you and your partner have a safe, comfortable and most importantly pleasurable experience together.
Let’s get started
So you’ve had a conversation with your partner, put a date in the diary and are queuing that ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ playlist on Spotify. Finding it hard to concentrate on work? I would be too, thinking about the spicy night you are going to have later. First, I'd recommend putting together a little goodie bag. Here’s some inspiration for you to consider.
You are going to need something to restrain either you or your partner with:
- On a budget: Use items that you have at home like a shirt tie, stockings or scarf
- Splurge: Bondage gear like leather restraints or handcuffs (if you’re new to bondage, opt for something that has velcro as it’s easier for the restrained person to get out of it, if they aren’t enjoying it!
- On a budget: feathers, ice cubes, a string of pearls
- Splurge: blind fold, massage oil or wax
Kinky items to use on the restrained partner:
- On a budget: wooden paddle or ruler
- Splurge: leather flogger or paddle, ball gag, spreader bar, nipple clamps
Time to play
Think about what you have at your disposal to tie either you or your partner to. A bed? Chair? Perhaps you are restricting their ankles? Or wrists? (my mind is already going wild with fantasies…is yours?) Start with just the tip…with some sensory play! This is a great way to ease you and your partner into bondage and really set the tone of the experience - which is for it to be pleasurable and fun! Once you or your partner are comfortably restrained (within their threshold), try placing a blindfold over their eyes. This is a non-intimidating entry point into the world of bondage. As soon as you restrict someone’s vision, it heightens their other responses. Now is a good time for whispering dirty talk in their ear, gently tracking their body with a feather, incorporating a light bit of spanking or even utilizing a vibrator.
Temperature play is one of my top recommendations to accompany bondage. Try gliding ice cubes over the restrained person's body for a chilling experience or you could use warm honey (lick it off their body baby), wax or massage oil for an extremely erotic, connecting experience.
Finally, it’s meant to be pleasurable and fun! Don’t push yourself to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. Baby steps bestie!
Read more on Stimulation:
Looking for more tips on how to level up your play in the bedroom? Check out our blog on ways to spice up your sex life, our guide to Foreplay as the Main Event or find out all you need to know about mutual masturbation.
