If you’re not familiar with the term “ghosting”, you’re either very, very lucky, or you’re my Great Aunt Mary. Most of us are tragically all too experienced with the phenomenon, and have been haunted by our fair share of ghosts. But there are also some lesser known monsters of the dating world we have to fight, and there’s no better time than spooky season to learn how to look out for them.
1. THE GHOST
The one that goes bump in the night, and then disappears, never to be seen again.
How to spot a Ghost: You believe in them and try to make contact. Suddenly they’re nowhere to be seen, apart from in your Insta story viewers.
2. THE FRANKENSTEIN
This is when you find someone who has bits and pieces of all your ex’s in them. Oh, the horror!
How to spot a Frankenstein: You find yourself saying things like “I guess my type is just tall blonde scientists who are unavailable emotionally?”
3. THE VAMPIRE
This person straight up sucks the life out of you.
How to spot a Vampire: Your friends don’t want to invite them in, and you feel drained after spending time with them. Baby, they suck - and not in a good way like THE EMPRESS. Get some garlic.
4. THE WEREWOLF
The one who only appears when the moon is out.
How to spot a Werewolf: U up? Sent at 2am. Often move in packs. Can be identified by the wafting scent of cologne and the howling at their own jokes.
5. THE ZOMBIE
When you first met they were full of life, but things could not have moved slower if they were the literal undead, and now the conversation is rotten.
How to spot a Zombie: You’ve been talking for weeks without meeting, and they’re saying “haha yeah” instead of initiating a real conversation. You’re wasting your brain and your time.
6. THE MUMMY
They want you to meet their parents after the second date, and are wrapped up in the idea of you without really knowing who you are.
How to spot a Mummy: They’ll still call their mother ‘Mummy’ and expect you to look after them the way she does. (Not in this life or the afterlife, buddy!)
7. THE ALIEN
Talking to this one feels like you’re not even speaking the same language.
How to spot an Alien: You have truly baffling conversations that you and your friends spend way too much time trying to decipher.
8. THE DEVIL
They put you through hell. Don’t text them.
How to spot a Devil: Don’t play, you know exactly who this is. It’s time for an exorcism.
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Let’s go ghouls!