We get it, you’re busy, sex and masturbation doesn’t always feel like a priority. If your sex life has suffered lately, or your self love journey has hit a minor road block, don’t freak out, it’s completely normal for sex drives to fluctuate. Your desire can and will return, but for now, why not focus on setting some time aside for sex and self pleasure? Whether you’re in a relationship or flying solo, sex and masturbation is a wonderful addition to a regular self care routine. Scheduling sex can be sexy!
Benefit #1: Creates build up
Anticipation is an important part of arousal. Desire is not always spontaneous, sometimes it helps to have the opportunity to spend time getting in the mood. Knowing you’re going to be having sex on Friday night gives you something to look forward to for the rest of the week. It also allows you time to prepare. For some, the classic pre-sex process of having a shower, engaging in hair removal (if that’s important to them) or choosing an outfit is a key part of building excitement for sex.
Benefit #2: Identifies sexy contexts
Choosing the right time to schedule sex forces you to work out which contexts best support your sex life. When trying to decide when to make time for sex, you’re most likely going to skip the night before your big work presentation and settle on the Sunday morning when you have a whole chunk of time to yourself. Through the act of looking at your calendar to choose a date and time for sex, you’ll learn when and where you feel most and least sexy, which may help you identify what hasn’t been working in the past.
Benefit #3: Time is your friend
Scheduling sex means you can actually just focus on sex for a dedicated amount of time. It’s common for people to have their to-do list or other concerns on their mind during sex, reducing their capacity to be in the moment. Carving out a distinct time for pleasure allows people to be present and commit to an embodied state of being during sex. There’s nothing worse than getting hot and heavy and running out of time to finish the job.
Benefit #4: Improves communication
Scheduling sex with a partner means you actually need to talk about sex, which doesn’t come naturally to all couples. When discussing the length of time and context of your upcoming date, take the opportunity to talk about what you actually want to get out of the sex. Maybe the reason you’ve had low desire recently is because you’re not enjoying the sex that’s on offer, so why not tell your partner about the position you’ve been dying to try or the toy you’ve been wanting to show them?
Benefit #5: Increases desire
Generally, the more sex you have, the more you’ll want to have sex. However, this rule only really applies to great, pleasurable sex, so limiting your sexual activity to the scheduled times may help eliminate any slightly disappointing sex you might be having, which could be contributing to your low desire. Some people find that by sticking to a sex schedule, they actually start to initiate sex or masturbation more spontaneously in between dates.
Tip #1: Use a calendar
Actually write your sex date down somewhere that you look at regularly, such as your weekly calendar or a post-it note above your bed. Not only does putting the date in your calendar act as an exciting reminder of your upcoming pleasure sesh, but it shows that you value sex as highly as everything else on your busy schedule. Simply reframing sex as a priority can help you get into a more pleasure-focused mindset.
Tip #2: Be realistic
If you barely get any time to yourself and a weekly sex date is not even close to achievable, try once a fortnight or simply start by picking one date this month that suits you. Don’t overcommit yourself! Scheduling sex is supposed to alleviate stress, not add to your plate. This goes for the amount of time you allocate too, can you really switch off and commit to your pleasure if you’re only scheduling in 20 minutes?
Tip #3: Redefine sex
What do you count as sex? Is it penetration? An orgasm? Any form of embodied pleasure? Just because you’ve scheduled a sex date, doesn’t mean you have to rush to the sex. Listen to your body in the moment, scheduling sex doesn’t mean sticking to sexual scripts. Before the date, sit down and think about what you actually want to get out of the experience. Whether it’s a break from the same old masturbation routine or a moment of intimacy with your partner, setting a goal can help you discover what you want.
Tip #4: Dirty talk
If you’ve scheduled sex with a partner, maybe send them some dirty texts in the lead up to your date. “I can’t wait to…”, “I really want to see you…” or “I can’t stop thinking about…” can help set the scene before the actual date. Dirty talk builds anticipation while also promoting sexual communication. If it’s self pleasure that you’re booking in, try some sex positive affirmations before the date, such as “I am full of sexual energy”, “I am committed to pleasure” or “I deserve to feel good”.
Tip #5: Release shame
Lastly, know that you are not any less sexy for scheduling sex. The way the Western world is set up means a lot of people live very scheduled lives with little room for spontaneity. Sex doesn’t always have to be a primal, heat of the moment act. By scheduling sex, you’re committing to yourself, your body, your pleasure, and your partner(s). There’s no shame in making that commitment.
Bonus Tip: Check in!
While scheduling sex can have some great benefits, it’s important to note that you don’t have to stick to the schedule if you’re really not feeling it. Just like you’d reschedule any other activity in your calendar if something comes up, it’s okay to change the plan. The last thing you need is for sex to become an added stressor in your life. Check in with your wants and needs and readjust the schedule as you see fit.